I have intensely bad body image lately. Holy shit. When the fuck does this end? It makes me not want to eat, ever.
Sometimes I feel like I have wasted so much of my life on trying to get and feel better. Most of my life has been this intense struggle to just make it, thinking that there is some light at the end of the tunnel … or something. And I don’t even know if that really is the goal: 100% feeling better. It’s somehow turned into this … my mood needs to increase and I can have better tools to exist.
But when does that even come? When do people actually feel better? Does that feeling never come? Do we have to struggle so much? Do we have to figure out how to navigate life with a little less pain than what we have? Just to make it. Take it a day at a time?
It’s hard for me to comprehend. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to go through the amount of emotional pain they have to. The things we do to get rid of pain: we will abuse ourselves, be in abusive relationships, cut ourselves, burn ourselves, do drugs, shove needles up ourselves, get wasted, starve ourselves, overeat, shop, gamble, so on. So
I am thinking of this because I feel like I struggle too much. Almost to the point of thinking, why do I even try? I am sick of feeling so shitty all the time. What will end this? Of course death ends it. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the pain and how will I even make it my whole life … maybe the pain will decrease, but all the things that happened to me exist. I just have to find some way to bear it better, healthier … but why?
Maybe … this brings up justice. I know why I did a lot of the things to myself. I hated my life growing up, I hated my parents, I hated how I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I hated how I felt they hated me, I sometimes hated that I was born. I felt fat, I felt afraid, I felt so stupid and ashamed, I felt ugly … I felt everything about me was so wrong.
Then when I drank, I felt happy. I felt that I didn’t care so much about what others thought about me. When I did drugs, I felt the same way. So, now I don’t do those things … and that weird, careless happiness no longer exists. Was it fake happiness? I used to think it was … but maybe not. Maybe it was true happiness found in a different way. A way that helped me feel good feelings because I didn’t know how to any other way. When I did pills, I remember feeling good, too. It took my mind to a different place … that careless happiness came. It was like, I was happy and didn’t care about anything else. It was a weird happiness that I couldn’t get any other way.
So why do the things that make me feel that careless happy … have to go away? Why do people have to get sober? Or have to go to treatment? Or take medications? Why do we have to live? Why do we have to not feel depressed?
I know the obvious answers to these: so we can have a better life, be functional, be contributed humans, take care of our families, not die, etc.
But NONE of this takes away the fact that we were abused, beaten, raped, bullied, attacked, shamed, etc. NONE OF IT DOES. It allows us to face it … and maybe not even deal with it. Maybe it just makes us face it. Face the shit we tried so long to avoid. For good reason. Who wants to remember they were sexually abused as a child by their parent? Or shamed for having sex? Or made to feel shitty about their bodies? I know I don’t.
Justice. Counseling, therapy, treatment, psych meds, sobriety, recovery is not justice.
Justice for ourselves? Not sure.
Justice regarding the things that happened to us? No. I don’t think it is.
When I look back at the progress I’ve made in regards to going to counseling, I will admit: it’s a lot. But to the abusers in my life: nothing has been done to them. And even after I have told people what has happened to me, still. Nothing. They don’t go to jail, they don’t get the shit beat out of them, they don’t get publicly called out, they don’t have to deal with.
I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
Maybe that’s the deal with any sort of situation that turns people into victims. Well, I guess that’s what it is.
Why do we have to ease the pain of what was done to us? Why does counseling only make it easier for us to live with it? Will one day I not worry about how how I hate my body? Or want to not eat? I know people say it gets better with time. But whatever … these are things I’ve been thinking about.
I told some family members some hardcore shit and they weren’t supportive. … meaning they don’t talk to me anymore. So what am I supposed to do with that? I felt fine one day, all of a sudden. Like … I was like FUCK YOU ALL. Then all of a sudden it hits me: I was abused. I pretty much was trying to kill myself because I seriously didn’t want to live. And I take years to try and tell a counselor. I do, then I take months to tell people in my life. I do. And some were super unsupportive.
Of course, I had to know … beforehand … that this might happen. And it did. Maybe I didn’t think people could be so fucking cruel. If someone told me those things, I wouldn’t do that. That’s evil.
None of this is justice. And through the pain I’ve experienced regarding the abuse I’ve endeared … I have to once again, relive this traumatic shit by having people not speak to me.
Maybe parents need to fucking check their shit before their bring people into the world. If you don’t check your own shit, you’re going to pass it on to your kids. Suck up your fucking pride and get healthy. I’ve had to work through shit all my life. I pretty much hate my parents.
So this just happened. And it turns out he has a girlfriend.
Lol at him thinking she wouldn’t have the guts. Does he know anything?
this is some hatefulness. OMG.
Wow. Fuck this fucking asshole.
announcement: i hate feelings and feeling feelings and having feelings and conflict.
I haven’t written on here forever. Which isn’t a good thing. I tend to think things are okay, but I feel like exploding inside. I like to ignore challenging things instead of facing them head on.
First things: I don’t feel happy. I gained weight and feel like a piece of shit, overall. I work out, I eat okay … I feel like not eating most of the time. I feel insane. I feel like so many things are going shitty in my life.
So I got involved with organizing against some of the women’s health bills in ND. We had a first rally and it turned out great. We had a second rally and it turned out okay. There was some confusion with a potential march and I got frustrated because communication wasn’t clear. And I changed my mind and I felt it turned into this huge mess. I don’t even know how to deal with it now.
A man came by and had some paperwork to get a petition going. Personally, I was confused about what it all meant and I signed it. I really don’t take petitions that serious because honestly, how many actually do things? Nothing. Well the petition was to get the 3 bills the governor signed onto the ballot for next year. The clinic in Fargo is completley against this, as is the Center for Reproductive Rights. They want to focus on how the personhood bill is going on the ballot, as well as to use their resources for fighting the 3 bills in court.
So, with all of this - I felt like a complete fucking piece of shit. The organizers in Fargo are also against this and I feel like I’ve let people down. Then, I was voted as the chair of this petition thing and I wasn’t even at the meeting! Now I feel like all these people are going to know and it’s going to really suck. The media has also tried contacting me.
With the petition, I get both sides of it. So I don’t have a complete decision.
My mind goes to how I have completely ruined everything. If these bills go to the ballot and people vote for them, then that is potential ground for challenging Roe v Wade and of course, that makes me feel as if I contributed to that which makes me so fucking stupid.
I don’t know what to do. Either way, either decision I feel stupid as fuck.
ANother thing, I have a class that only has 3 tests for grades. I AM HORRIBLE at taking tests. I will study my ass off and do fucking shitty on the test. So than I rely on assignments for grades. Well, not this class. I had an exam last night and I got so confused, I think I did super shitty. :( I studied so hard, too.
I slept horrible last night. I kept waking up, thinking my school career was over because I suck at tests. I kept thinking about how this whole organizing thing is making me feel insane. I feel like people hate me, then I am doing all this shit wrong, that I don’t know what I am doing, that I am being crazy.
I don’t know what to do. I need to sleep all week and not talk to anyone or something. :( I feel so fucking shitty about everything.
Rallies all over North Dakota today. We won’t go back to hangers. Women’s justice will have its day. Embryos in a dish do not have more rights than people with a uterus. Protect IVF, abortion rights, birth control, and sexual activity that’s no one’s business but our own.
Housing is out of control, flaring in the west, state parks destroyed, poisoning the water and land… But let’s focus on those pesky women reproductive organs.
#ndrally #standupforwomen #northdakota #mombychoicenotforce #prochoicemom #feminism #nomorefascism
the song that I listened to all the time when I got sober. I can’t describe how much fucking emotion was going on. hiden emotions for years.
love him so much. frank ocean.