I got angry today. I got angry with all that AA stuff I was realizing. Like, I felt betrayed or something. Lied to. Then I got a stupid motherfucking text from my kid’s dad. Again, asking about the end of the month. Then added another text, “I’ll even take you to Sammy’s Pizza :o)”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
I got so fucking angry. Like, I don’t fucking want ANYTHING from him. NOTHING. Not even god damn fucking pizza. The thing about Sammy’s Pizza is that him and I used to go there when we were together, often. Everyone knew us there and then when we had my kid, everyone was so happy because it was “THEIR baby” or whatever. Seriously that is the last fucking place I’d rather go. I don’t want to eat anything with him.
He also said that he is coming over half way for him to see her. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! He didn’t even fucking ASK OR PLAN THIS WITH ME. He just fucking did it. AND AND AND he said that the only reason he is coming is so he can see Lyric. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THEN WHY IS HE NOT FUCKING COMING TO WHERE WE LIVE?????????
I went driving. I was freaking out. I started crying so hard. I started crying about my dad … I ended up on this road that I used to drive on with my dad a lot. Once he hit a snake and showed it to me. It was awful. Everytime I go on that road I hyperventilate. I don’t know why I went on it. Then I was crying because of my stupid ex. And I started screaming, “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU!” and other stuff. I feel safe crying in my car. No one can hear me and I am truly alone. I was feeling calm and got back into town and drove past the cemetery. I used to go there a lot and bike around. I felt peace there. So I went into the cemetery, parked my car, and just sat and cried.
I went home and started to watch some random movie on Netflix. Nice to know the main character in it almost kills himself with a razor, then with alcohol and pills. Seriously, not what I want to watch at the moment. So I focused on my homework until I picked up my kid.
Sometimes I feel like I try to like, appear I look normal or something. I have all this rage inside of me sometimes.
I also realized recently, that I did used to self-harm. But not with cutting. I used to bite myself or pinch myself really hard. I couldn’t never get myself to cut. I realized that that is not a healthy way of coping when I found out clients that come into the counseling center that I used to work at, do that … and it’s not healthy.
So then I realized - when I asked questions like, “do you self harm?” I need to be given more specific ways. Or like with my eating disorder - I never realized anything I was doing was not healthy until years into it. Oh, it’s not normal to eat a granola bar a day? Or to make myself purge when I DO eat it? Or take several laxatives in a day? I wasn’t given any way to take care of myself. So I figured it out as I went along.